What I Choose To Place My Attention On......

 

I continue to repeat this, because for me, this is paramount!

What I put my attention on: 

Grows, Expands and Gets Bigger.

Or rather:

What I CHOOSE to place my attention on:

Grows, Expands and Gets Bigger.

Where MY attention goes, energy flows. 

As I journey into feeeeeeeling energy.

Deeper and deeper into awareness-building. Gaining access to my inner weeds with a loving lens. 

Learning in what ways I want to grow my inner-garden. Learning what are my current non-negotiables? Learning what is essential to me? & Sometimes being given opportunities to learn: That which I no longer choose to experience…

I suppose we are all here to learn or experience, specifically on an individual level and as a collective  family. I do think though it’s mostly you, and your own specific life lessons. Grow Yo’ Gifts y’all  ;) 

I would like to clarify my intentions with this post, this blog & my website and & my YouTube channel in general.

I have greatly suffered most of my life. 

Up until about 5 years ago! But these last 5 years have felt mostly like a lifetime worth of beauty and freedom! 

My intention, simply, is to help you, help yourself, in decreasing your own suffering. 

Which I think, naturally creates ripple effects of uplifting others. 

Rise. Roar. Live. 

Let’s get back to it  ;)   

Shifting perspectives also greatly aids me. 

Viewing any one thing, from various angles. 

Or actually physically putting myself in a new or different environment, seems to automatically shift my perspective. Questioning gently my perceptions. Question EVERYTHING basically. But not in a maddening way. Lol.

Let me reiterate, where I am coming from. I come from a place where I experienced immense suffering, on the daily. I come from a place where I basically made every mistake in the book. I come from a place where I was constantly, inwardly crying & begging “I want to go home!" Real home, whatever that means, but I sense most people understand & can relate. I had this existential crisis from 6 years old to 38/39 yrs old. Basically 1988 to 2020/2021! 

I had joyful, wonderful times too but it was mostly in the midst of gunk, surrounded by bags & bags of garbage, drowning in an ocean of overwhelming anguish. 

…Just trying to paint an accurate picture. 

I was also the queen of sugar-coating back then & so many other inappropriate coping behaviours. Like pussy-footing around issues or my concerns, exactly like a Cat! 

It all makes total sense to me nowadays and basically since 2020/2021. When I felt I began to get my true vision back & start to see things, more for what they are. 

Most importantly see myself, my false self & true self way way way waaaaaaaaaaay more clearly …for who I truly am. 

Anyway, I digress, this other Hema that I used to be, feels like many lifetimes ago!

A great deal of truths clicking, humility settling in, learning how to repair and build burnt bridges, accepting full accountability and response-ablity for my own thoughts, words and actions. All, whether intentional or unintentional. Whether consciously or unconsciously. For example, a lot of the times I get a rather unsavory behaviour coming at me, from another person & once I sit with it, within, it becomes abundantly clear to me, that very often, I realize that I did that exact same thing to another in my “past lifetime.” 

So yaa, I draw appropriate strong boundaries, as honestly and lovingly as I can “please do not speak to me like that” etc. & within I just suck it up & accept the very plain fact, we always get what we give. I am, in a way, thankful, that I get to experience & totally know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that specific type of …not-niceness. Basically bringing that lesson to a full 360 for me & hopefully ensuring I do not fall back into old and grossly unhealthy patterns. 

Let’s be clear though, I do not stand for any level of disrespect from another, but I also do my best to have FULL compassion. This involves an exercise taught to me of how to Lovingly place myself into another person’s shoes & by doing so (I am not excusing their trespasses or forms of abuse) I automatically receive inner-standing and insights also come to me & I remember my own journey & how difficult, almost impossible it all felt at the time. I also do my best to NOT assume… because there is so so so much I am not aware of, with the other person etc. Really it’s none of my business & as an adult, that person is fully responsible for their own energy and journey. I do my best to not engage with their false self. There are so many other ways we can connect. Or even offering pure loving silence is a truly wonderful gift. I continue to interact with the person (as long as there is no REAL abuse, if that IS the case, RUN! Lol. Seriously, you must feel safe and protected at all times, this is your birthright as a spirit-soul having a human experience) And through my own private & personal mediation practices, I simply do my best to communicate to that other person, from my most-high self to their most-high self, to basically “remember child, who you truly are” " You Are Worthy” " You Are Enough” " You Are Loved" “You Are Never Alone” “You Have A Whole Team of Unseen Forces Helping You” 

(I say “child" because that’s often how I speak to inner-child & I rather speak to their sad & hurt inner-child anyway, through mediation, silently lol… I don’t say this to their face. Humans are funny and tend to not understand or get easily defensive or confused…. But really nothing is stopping you from having a conversation with them from your spirit-soul to theirs, out of love & respect, while mediating…)

That was a lot of backstory lol.

Back to shifting perspectives & gently questioning everything…

Lovingly asking myself what am I engaging in?

How am I engaging with that item, food, person, place, clothing, building?

My own personal approach these days has been:
High quality care

&

Self expression

…Not expecting anyone or anything to provide that for me and also taking solace in knowing that I am fully capable of providing that for myself. While also accepting my personal limitations. (Keep in mind, I don’t have any physical special needs, mental illness or anything significant that makes these types of things way too challenging on your own. You need support in those cases and you are wise & courageous to seek support and help and often a whole team to depend on for your highest & best good!) (...well, I don’t have any special needs that I know of, lol) (& Truly are they NOT really special NEEDS but special ABILITIES, often mislabelled and with abilities that are often under-valued in a very sick and toxic society, no?) (Perhaps Gifts waiting to be transformed from a disability to a type of unique quality designed to help you somehow…? Anyway, that’s a whole other post & a touchy subject. Always seek professional help please, from multiple professionals if you feel you are struggling with anything, OCD, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, Overwhelming feelings or circumstances….In my limited experience, abundant help IS available, simply seek it out. Very often Free or discounted help is available.) 

Compassionately asking myself, what is playing on my inner record player?

Working closely with counsellors, therapists, psychologists, life coaches and the like, has greatly helped me change the mf’n script. & Continues to help me change the script of what I am currently struggling with. 

Whatever script is playing, for the given situation or person or expectation and so on. 

If it was a script or automatic record on the record player, that maybe I haven’t even noticed, but still repeating & most importantly is NOT serving my most high self. 

For example, my deeply unconscious automatic thought used to be, “why am I so bad at things compared to other people?!?!??!!??” (Are there enough exclamation marks? lol)

There are many ways to approach this, but lets keep it simple for the example. 

Just as you place a record on a record player and turn it on, the same way this thought would just pop into my head. 

I was guided to understand it was part of an automatic script, withIN, a narrative of basically putting myself down.

Without meaning to! Without really realizing it! 

& That's why we call it a script or playing a record…it can be so insidious by nature as well, through messages from movies, songs, parents, aunties etc. 

All the while, doing my best to release dillusion, fantasy-land, hopium, the saviour that never comes, la-la land, ‘you’re delulu bruh’, as the kids say…I think you get what I mean….we’ve all been there & likely will continue to bounce back and forth, over and over, between the lovely land of delulu and perhaps a more grounded earthly real-reality type. 

Let’s face it, escaping into a type of fantasy land can be so comforting in its own way. You know, I suppose, in your heart of hearts, if it’s the level of delulu that is detrimental to your well-being, unhealthy, toxic, or just a plain waste of your time or your money or your sacred energy. I truly think, that a certain amount of engaging in things I truly enjoy, which also help me turn my brain off, within reason, aids and supports my true self. 

How can I tell if it’s helping me or hurting me? 

Well, one sure-fire way, is having my thoughts, words and actions align. Is having my heart-brain-mind coherence in healthy communication with each other. That feeling, that “I am in the driver’s seat.” 

For example, watching all the seasons of the show Supernatural, and there a whole lot of seasons, lol.  Well, I control how much I watch and don’t watch. When I watch it. The mood in which I want to watch it in. And the biggest thing is: IF it went away suddenly, my whole world wouldn’t fall apart. I wouldn’t be suffering from withdrawals or have this unquenchable urge to KNOW what happens in the next episode. I have learnt to see my mini-escapes as a respite for my mind and heart, when enjoyed in moderation and also while I’m prioritizing my self-care and personal responsibilities. 

Oh Gosh, that was a tough one & I got here with a tonne of guidance, facilitating and loving support from other learned people!

Yaa, I do give myself props for having the deep heart-felt yearning and pleading for help, from my highest self, the universe, Hanumanji, the cosmos, Shivji, Radha-Krsna, any beings of pure love that would listen!!!  

I think this is paramount. 

Having the genuine sincere feeling ….or whatever you want to call it. For me it was coming to the point of “I Am DONE!” & " I don’t want to do this anymore!" & “I have no idea what I’m doing!” lol. Funny but debilitatingly true for many years, in many areas and at varying degrees. Guess I had to learn the hard way for some things to really deeply receive the lessons, gifts and opportunities. I mean I think over time, I said “hey, I can choose to learn the easy way??? What??” Lol.

In my humble opinion, the way I see it these days…..is to Remember, that “the game” is very clearly simple. 

Weapons of Mass-Distraction surround us everywhere. Whether they be video games, sugary snacks, shopping, the news, smoking, alcohol, drugs and so much more… 

…When done in excess, with little to no self-control/self-discipline (you know what I mean.) Your health is suffering, or your bank account is suffering, or your mental-emotional well-being is suffering, or all of the above. 

I think it is important to see, sit with, lean into that one thing that you may be “going overboard" with & simply investigate if it IS or ISN’T by design. For example, when I looked closely into cigarette smoking, I could start to see the messaging. Like how all the movies and a lot of shows I grew up with showed people smoking, showed the "cool” people smoking. Then after reading Allen Carr’s “How To Be A Happy Non-Smoker?” changed everything for me in terms of smoking about half a pack a day for almost 20 years! 

I read this book over and over and over. 

I took notes about whatever stood out to me.

I did deep dives on the internet & one thing led to another. 

I would come across documentaries or movies about how " the smoking monster”, the " the smoking trap" was literally created by design & I completely fell for it, actually I embraced it with open arms lol. (Of course, I did about 100 other things to get this smoking monster to let go of me…which I won’t get into here.)

 

Yet as all heavy smokers are aware of on some level, the only one paying the most for this toxic habit was me. By the Grace of God, I do not have any physical ailments from this toxic habit that I am aware of. I do however have to live with the fact that I will never get back all that money, my money, I wasted on basically harming myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to judge. There were positives along the way as well. Perhaps the medicinal energy of the tobacco plant was speaking to me? I don’t know. All I know is, objectively, I have never been outside so much in my life. I was outside, no matter the weather. I was out in nature multiple times a day, every single day! I was getting quiet and alone time. I was choosing this, which at the time, did feel very empowering, in weird-twisted way. And I observed the level of commitment & consistency I am capable of. Even if it was with something with truly negative consequences. If I could just use that Power for good lol.

Deep down, I honestly did not, whatsoever, enjoy the “hold" it had over me. The “addiction", whatever you want to call it. I knew, I felt, I experienced, that I was NOT in control. This smoking thing had total control of me… in a sense…it’s hard to describe but I’m sure so many can relate with smoking or other things.

Getting back to the root….with a compassionate lens…it all makes perfect sense.
My growth was stunted. Because of complex trauma & even before that…the scene was set, it was the perfect storm. It makes total sense that I would have developed unhelpful thoughts like “why am I so bad at things compared to other people?!?!??!!??” 

I would do everything but sit with my true self, for so so so soooooooo long.

Because if I did... I could see for myself, all the things that come to the surface in my inner world and outer world.

With this example, of comparing myself to others. Re-playing an unhealthy script. Basically realizing “comparison is the thief of joy”, as they say…..Back then, I gradually learned to transform that degrading thought of “why am I so bad at things compared to other people?!?!??!!??”  into:

I AM CAPABLE

I AM CURIOUS

I AM COMPETENT

& Mysteriously, maybe not so mysteriously, but definitely synchronistically, that was exactly the same message the Ministry of Education decided to promote around 2012 for young children, as well as for Early Childhood Educators. & They actually gave us ECE’s & ECA’s a Journal with those exact words on the cover! (Well my words were very similar, maybe not exact, but very damn close yo!!!!)

Needless to say, I was blown away & I received confirmation that I am truly not alone. My thoughts matter, my feelings matter and I am being held & heard. 

Could just be my imagination….true….but after so many similar type of synchronisties, I have come to accept it & be filled with deep gratitude. To me, there is definitely some sort of conversation going on between the physical and the non-physical!!!

Basic science. Like attracts Like, from my objective observations. 

Also certain lessons, keep coming up, I have found that I can not run away from lessons but I can choose how I interact with people.

I have come to a place where I am aware of my own true intentions. I consciously choose and set my intentions, most of the time. However the other person takes it, I honestly wouldn't loose any sleep over, or waste my breath or my time or my energy, if someone seems to be misinterpreting me....that’s likely happening for a reason too. I can only see what I see. Which is likely a very small fraction of the whole. 

I take comfort in, my understanding that the universe sees all & all is revealed on the other side and sometimes snippets are revealed to me, in deep meditation.

Strong appropriate boundaries, might feel rebellious or rude but one's own sense of well-being and one's own sense of true peaceful freedom, autonomy, sovereignty is a non-negotiable for me. 

Having an unwavering..... presence of self.

No longer basing my own self-approval on the outside approval of someone else. This has been a huge eye-opening, heart-opening awareness for me. Basing one’s self-worth on how well they measure up to other people, I think, is part of the sickness and dis-ease of this society.

The fact is, I approve of my-self, my true self, my highest self, my integrated self. I am enough. I am Worthy. Simply I am. I am that. 

I encourage you to know your rights and as peacefully & with as much kindness and gratitude as you can, stand rooted, grounded in your own inner knowing of clear-as-day self worth, self respect.

Simply just as you are, you are worthy of true love and nothing           truly nothing               is stopping you from giving that love to yourself & learning how to truly give & receive deeply respectful & sacred love freely. 

What has helped & continues to help me greatly on my journey is:

Stillness exercises throughout the day

Empty your cup

Silence spaces

The breath is the vehicle within

the 5 elements

There is no switch

This IS a practice, like pulling out weeds from the very root

Like melting and thawing the rock hard frosted layers of ice built up around your heart, or sacral or solar plexus or third eye energy centers, thawing all of your overall inner-blockages.

As you go layer by layer, it is very likely, this WILL hurt. 

As a layer melts it's as if a pain envelope may open, maybe accompanied by traumatic memories, or even seemingly regular memories but the way YOU took it was...was not good. etc. 

I encourage you to do your best to honor this processing. For ex. Have a dialogue with your 6 yr old self: "Little girl, you are free and safe to express yourself, I am here for you, and I've got you" ...pen and paper, red pen for charged emotions. 

I encourage you to always keep your journal private. 

Unless working directly and confidentially with a psychologist, healer, or life coach. I have found that they usually give you tools, techniques and exercises once you’ve tuned into your honest inner landscape. 

Either way, I think that your outpouring on paper is mainly beneficial for you.

I think this is a self awareness building tool. To really benefit from this tool of journaling, you can read back what you wrote down, after a week, or after a few months and definitely after a year & write down your insights on a separate page. 

Yes, I have come across many ways to build self awareness but this one tool is something most people can do and has direct affects on your mind-body-heart coherence. From experiencing the power of journaling, to me, the benefits are beyond words. Magical…

I would like to touch on a wonderful lesson, my highest self has given me:

Read the room. Learn to Read people.  Read the environment. Read the land. Also keep listening to your intuition, it does eventually become more clear. 

Ask for confirmation & be okay with being way way way off, with your intuition.

Additional lessons are:

Do your best to not take anything personally. It's really not about you, if they're having that problem with you, it's very likely they're having that problem with others & perhaps even with their own self.

My wires were crossed or my circuit-board was damaged from complex trauma.

I have begged for confirmation silently & oh boy did I get it! 

I did my best to receive the truths being mirrored back to me, with how way way off I was!

With what I thought was my intuition at the time but was often my fears masquerading and misleading me or something, who knows?  All I know is my that my false-self sure loved drama! Lol

Truly it was painful and frustrating at the time, funny to me now.

Nowadays, I do my best to clear my mind, cultivating self-love, providing nourishing self-care, practicing deep self-respect...and I find that naturally…  insights simply arise in my inner space.

I don't need to judge others or their environments, I CHOOSE to view whatever arises with over-flowing compassion & deep gratitude (most of the time, lol). We are not here to be perfect, but also I am no longer here, or rather, I CHOOSE to no longer be here, to get myself into sticky situations. That's your stuff, way over there, and this is my own personal, clean, organized bubble. 

“Full Power to Shields Scotty”.....I mean really and truly coming to an inner-standing: I am the Ocean not the wave, waves come and go....there is nothing to "fight" or "protect" myself from.... it's all I & I...but yaa, I see it as, we are also all in our own individual bubbles & if I am not care-full, discerning, and IN-Tune with my inner guidance, my inner-security-guard, my inner fire-fighter, then yaa there is the greater possibility of becoming quantumly entangled. 

Which I absolutely do NOT want, unless you're actually you, and you've done the actual work on yourself. Then I say HELL NO to YOUR residue. It is simply not mine. It is quite actually not my responsibility. As grown adults I think we are each fully responsible for our own energy, thoughts, words & actions. 

I simply do not want it. Whatever form “it" shows up in.

I reiterate: 

Strong appropriate boundaries. 

Keeping those pipes clean, again, involves daily practice. 

Staying true to your own true-self (not yo false-self) & love flows easily....

Then, as I have observed, natural authentic organically genuine love and care can ripple out to others.

But honestly, you don't owe anyone anything. 

That’s how I currently see it. Stay true to my highest self. I always have a choice. In-it? 

In my opinion, you decide. 

As a sovereign being, how much you give and in what way you interact. 

Sometimes simply active listening, listening with your whole heart, quietly, can be the greatest gift of all!

Believe it or not, listening with your whole heart, activates and aids in healing your THROAT chakra. I have been taught this. The ears help, the heart helps, but really because you are choosing to keep your own lips from flapping & you are choosing to create space for the other person to speak and express themselves, you are then in essence, exercising and healing and strengthening your own throat chakra. To me, this is huge! In a world, with no voice. Allowing others the quiet, stillness and space to begin to really express their own true self, without you throwing a tantrum or the house burning down. If they are saying something derogatory or icky, you simply imagine a mirror and quietly reflect, or picture a cave & eventually the sound of their own nonsense is naturally echoed back to them. 

It’s quite funny to observe actually. But please have compassion, as much as you can given the situation. Lost people, really FEEL lost & man, it sucks!!!

In my personal opinion, there is innate value in Silence that can not be taken away, that is always there. 

A flowing fountain, a deep well of emanation… of delight, adventure, wonder, peaceful unlimitedness!

 

I  think we are also in the 3D world, doing our best with humaning. Incorporating earthing, grounding….all while trying to access the true power of our own witnessing presence. 

What else has greatly helped me is:

Practicing loving detachment. 

The power of observation… versus dramatizing it or identifying with it…you are fluid, are you not? 

When I began this practice & I was observing someone ranting and raving…I naturally had some fun with it & I would say to myself, “ohhh dinner & a show!” Lol. Just to keep it light-hearted in my inner-world & to not get dragged into their despair. Ofcouse I would never say that outloud, as I did not want to minimize or dismiss whatever was coming up for them, in that moment. 

I remember that I would also use the childcare technique, actually the sleep technique, on myself. 

Not actually for sleeping but for when I would observe myself start to get entangled in someone else’s nonsense…

Technique: Say “goodnight, I Love You".  No direct eye contact. No talking. Simply & calmly pick up child & place them back in their bed. Over & over & over. No anger, no aggression. Neutral. & Eventually they get tired of " playing the game” and they fall asleep. And every night you practice this consistently, the child gets the picture, and it takes you less & less time, till they fall asleep.

So i did the same thing with my ego, or craving or addiction etc. Within myself.

Simple & Effective!

Plus, I have actually done this exercise with children and have seen it done successfully for "tantrums." 

But for “tantrums" it's actually all about energetics and we, as a society, seem to be moving away from timeout corner/chair, more to labeling emotions, guiding children to process and move thru their feelings and thought processes. Connecting to our emotions as our teachers. Modeling appropriate behavior, because monkey see, monkey do. Modeling healthy emotional self-regulation is one of the greatest techniques I have observed. Simply, children copy, they imitate, especially their same gender immediate care giver, like daughter and mum, son an dad, or grandmother and granddaughter if Grandma's your primary caregiver for example.

Sometimes we need to back off & relax, and ask or even command your own higher self or most high self to have a look at it, start the dissolving process, you can choose a simple mantra, such as, I release that which no longer serves me. Your core intelligence often kicks in, and your holographic reality becomes rearranged...you may interpret it as confirmation after confirmation, or as unbelievable synchronicities. Important to remain in that observer perspective, make note of it, without identifying or attaching to these whispers from the universe. It is all here to aid, to cleanse and to guide you, NOT to get all tangled up in and lost and confused. 

This is why we perch on that tree branch with loving detachment or watch the scenes play out on that movie screen, while you, as witnessing presence are sitting in that movie theater, watching your life play out on that movie screen, perhaps saying to yourself “that’s a silly character, I wonder why she did that?” Lol. 

This is simple but at the same time, depending on where you might be at on your personal journey…. there may be  immense work required for a solid foundation, for solid footing under you. Just to learn how to do basic humaning things and in order to get to a state of naturally operating in simple basic ways. There may be a lot to unpack, a lot to damage that needs to be undone & healed. 

All I know is:

When you choose to take one conscious step towards Krsna 

Krsna takes 10 conscious steps towards you.

Whatever Krsna means to you.

To me, these days, Krsna is Ultimate Truth, the embodiment of pure love & the alchemical divine union or marriage of one's own 

Inner Pure Sacred Feminine Energy 

with 

Inner Divine Masculine Energy. 

Shakti & Shiva!

Beyond Words ~~~@

As within, so without. 

As above, so below.

This is why chanting helps.

Whatever you choose to chant.

It can be as simple as experimenting & saying to yourself, I would like to know what love is & look up the Sanskrit word for love: Prema.

Then, throughout your day, deeply contemplating prema, prema, prema. Mentally chanting, with the mood of sincerity and devotion: prema, prema, prema… Perhaps making art work of the word Prema or any visuals that come to you that you want to draw or paint…. Or perhaps lean deeper into through singing, playing an instrument, artistically writing Prema!

What has really helped me is:

Posting Prema in various areas of my environment. For ex. Taking my time to beautifully make several copies of Prema on cardstock with pretty colored markers. Then using tape to post it on my washroom mirror, on my fridge, where I sit to eat, in my wallet, on my dashboard of my car..........to me, there is a surrender, a space being held, to allow the mysteries of Prema to unfold.

Or whatever mantra you choose, or feel drawn to, or resonate deeply with. 

You can use any ancient language you feel called to use. 

Sanskrit, as far as I understand, does involve a vedic science, which to me, translates to being multi-dimensional in nature, a vehicle to aid in getting to the core.

But all over the world, these threads are there, waiting to be pulled and if you are resonating with another ancient language, I encourage you to go with those.

To me, it's all the same higher or most high intelligence, in different faces. 

Please always use your own discernment as well, do your best to not follow blindly. Or to be tricked.

Perhaps like a scientist in a lab, conducting your experiments, if something feels off in your gut or your spidey senses are going off, then please back away slowly, save yourself the trouble and aggravation.

Yes, it is true, that sometimes we ought to go outside of our comfort zones, be adventurous, have an air of risky play, but always do your best to be in the driver's seat. 

Yes, I carry the awareness that we are co-creaters, that this is a dance. 

……and “Jesus take the wheel” for sure! For me, part of the CO-creation part…Although I feel like it’s more 70% Jesus&Mary plus my individual choices at 30% … that is surrender to me….but in this particular sandbox…I think we are also working within the parameters of cause and effect, karma, action, reaction. Hermetic principals, Natural Laws of the Universe etc.  

At the end of the day, as an adult, no one is responsible for your words, your actions, your thoughts, your energy, your choices.

So blame God all day long if you like, but really on planet Earth, it has become evident to me, whatever I choose to place my attention on, grows, expands and gets bigger. 

Energy flows, where Attention goes.

If we keep coming back to: 

who am I ?

why am I here?

where am I?

what is this place?

what is my true purpose or functions here? 

what am I?

why is it important for me to evolve?

why try?

why care?

am I empowering another or disempowering them?

does this person feel safe around me?

am I building trust or burning bridges?

are you alive? lol

You can see where I'm going with this.

When we voluntarily choose to place our own attention on antaryamin, on our own heart, core, well-spring....well, it's beyond words.

Ripple affects, inside & out, are deeply felt by nature, animals, children and those who are sensitive (in the strongest sense) or those who are open, even if momentarily.

It Is All I & I